The result is in and it is positive. Alongside the shock, the hardest question arrives almost at once: do I have to tell my partner or ex, and how on earth? It feels like a conversation you would rather skip. Yet partner notification is one of the most valuable things you can do right now, for them and for yourself.
We will say it plainly: warning a partner is not an admission of guilt, it is an act of care. An untreated STI can be passed on silently and can, if your partner is not treated too, simply reinfect you. So warning also protects your own result.
Who should you tell, and over what period?
Which partners you approach depends on the infection and the window period. The table below gives a practical guideline. If you are unsure about the timeframe, the GGD can help you work it out per situation.
| Infection | Partners from which period | Point to note |
|---|---|---|
| Chlamydia | Usually the last 6 months | Often symptom-free, so warning is essential |
| Gonorrhoea | Usually the last 6 months | Can also affect throat and anus |
| Syphilis | Depends on the stage, often further back | Always set the timeframe with a doctor or the GGD |
| HIV | In consultation, possibly a long period | Guidance from a doctor or the GGD advised |
How do you say it?
Keep it factual and without blame. You do not have to answer a question of fault, you are giving information the other person can use to get checked. A simple, honest message works best: you tested positive for an STI, it is good for them to get checked too, and treatment is usually straightforward. Thuisarts.nl describes that many STIs, certainly chlamydia and gonorrhoea, are easy to treat, which makes the conversation lighter than it feels.
If you are no longer in contact or find it too hard to call yourself, anonymous partner notification exists. Through services such as partnerwaarschuwing.nl, supported by Soa Aids Nederland, you can let an ex know anonymously that a check is wise, without sharing your name. The GGD can also help with this.
A few things help the conversation: pick a calm moment, not just before you have to leave, and give the other person room to be shocked. A first reaction of anger or panic is often about the shock, not about you. Do not wait until your treatment is completely finished, because your partner needs the information now to test in time themselves. You also do not have to give every detail about how or where you caught it, a factual message is enough.
Get checked again after treatment
A common mistake is stopping as soon as treatment is finished. If your partner is not treated at the same time, you can reinfect each other, the so-called ping-pong infection. That is why testing together and treating together matters so much. Also read positive STI result, what now for the steps after a positive result. To get your partner checked, a STI screen for chlamydia, gonorrhoea and trichomonas can look broadly at once, or a targeted chlamydia check if that was the infection found.
And if your partner refuses to test?
You can inform someone, but you cannot force them. If you have warned them and the other person will not get checked, you have done what you could. In the meantime protect yourself: use a condom until you both have clarity, and get checked again after your treatment if there is doubt about reinfection. The GGD can advise if a conversation stalls or if you are worried about onward spread.
Do not forget yourself in all of this. A positive result says nothing about your worth as a person. STIs are extremely common, they affect people of every age and relationship type, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. The grown-up step you are taking now, warning and treating, is exactly what handling your health responsibly means.
Privacy on both sides
Your partner may, like you, choose how they get checked. If they want to keep it outside the GP record, an anonymous home test is an option, see whether an STI test goes on your medical record. Which check fits, you can read in our guide on which STI test you need when.
Want to know how discreet testing works? The main guide to STI testing at home helps you further. See also how an anonymous STI test works and the comparison between the GGD and a home test.
Treatment and timeframes differ per infection. A test confirms or rules something out, but set the approach and the period to warn in consultation with a doctor or the GGD.
Author
Discreettest
Dr. Naimi, BIG-registered physician, oversees the medical standards behind our content and assessments. Read our medical policy
